Alaska Airlines from Denver International Airport to Petersburg James A. Johnson Airport

Attention all travelers! So, you're going to Alaska, land of the midnight sun, from Denver International Airport? Well, lucky you! Enter dramatic sigh here. If the Arctic chill biting at your nose giving you the unique sensation of having your nostrils grafted to your brain doesn't thrill you, nothing will!

First of all, let's talk about flights. And by 'flights', we don't just mean flapping your arms hysterically while jumping off a cliff. No, we mean soaring through the empyrean aboard a million-dollar flying metal tube. More specifically, we mean one-way, round-trip, non-stop, and oh-geez-I-think-I-forgot-my-socks-at-the-last-airport connecting flights.

Next, let's tackle the all-important airfare, that magic number that, like the Bermuda Triangle, has the uncanny ability to make your hard-earned money mysteriously disappear. Airfare, flight deals, last-minute flights... whatever you want to call these pale imitations of charity from airlines. Well, aren't they just as cuddly as a cactus? Let me tell you, though, they can be as elusive as a well-raised teenager. But fear not! With some research and a little thing called the internet, you can seize those cheap flights with the enthusiasm typically reserved for free samples at Costco.

But wait, did you say you're flying into Petersburg James A. Johnson Airport? Good choice! It's only slightly less busy than Grand Central Station on Thanksgiving. A random yet riveting fact, Alaska has more airports per square mile than any other state! And to add another layer to your impending adventure, Petersburg is an island with no connecting land. A place so remote that even Wi-Fi signals take a detour. Yes, you heard it right. You're on an island, in Alaska, nowhere to hide from all those bears!

As you relish the 'warm' Alaskan hospitality, you must also brace for the ‘warm’ in-flight services. By warm, of course, I mean the two ice-cube sandwich the smiling flight attendant hands you as your sumptuous meal for the journey. Yes, that's premium economy for you! Luxurious, isn't it? And let's not forget about the second lottery AKA baggage allowance. It's almost as thrilling as the time you realise your flight might as well have been captained by a turtle considering how quickly it's progressing.

Lastly, for those who are yet to understand the concept of 'direct flights', allow me to elucidate. Direct flight is a tricky term used by the airlines which sounds like you'll get to your destination in a jiffy. But in reality, it means you'll silently form a very intimate bond with your in-flight seat partner, thanks to all the delightful layovers! You might even sign them a Christmas card every year – trust me, it happens!

All things said and done, there's nothing like getting there and discovering that Alaska, despite all my sarcastic disdain, is actually an enchanting country of stark beauty. It might also make you realise why we bother to fly at all. Anyway, as you begin your adventure, just remember one thing: don’t feed the bears (unless it's the flight attendant, then always offer them your snacks. They deserve it).