Alaska Airlines from Des Moines International Airport to Phoenix

Oh, the joy of air travel! The epitome of human achievement, where one pays for the luxury of sitting like a canned sardine for several hours just to touch down in a different time zone without a moment's notice. Ah, nothing beats the romantic appeal of international flights, and today we shall immolate those romantic quandaries on the sacrificial altar of the Alaska Airlines, boarding from the Europe-sized farmland of Des Moines to the sweltering oven that is Phoenix.

First, allow me to illuminate the paradox of time that this airline lovingly refers to as their "flight schedule". Unlike the unreliable, go-with-the-flow, and capricious flight schedules of certain other airlines, Alaska Airlines employs a method never before seen in the realm of flights. 'Here', they tell us, 'is a schedule, but treat it as more of a suggestion. After all, time is an abstract concept.' You may find your flight leaving on time, 15 minutes late, or even - hold your breath - 5 minutes early! It’s a little game they like to play called 'Guess the departure time'.

If there was one word to describe Alaska's airfare, it would surely be 'optimistic'. It seems the good folks at the airline have taken a leaf out of the book of impressionist painters, handing us an airfare that gives more of an impression of the cost rather than detailing it. It starts at a very economical figure, but as you proceed, luggage, pets, extra legroom, a window seat, decent food, and breathing rights all come with their own little price tags - almost as though these were afterthoughts. It's like the most thrilling game of monopoly you'll ever play!

Moving to classes, oh sweet democracy! Here at Alaska, they believe in equal discomfort for all. Economy Class, Business Class, First-Class: in the unforgiving sky, we are all equal. Some lounges may serve richer wine, but does it not all taste like refined cough syrup served in plastic cups at 30,000 feet above sea level?

But friends, prepare to shed a tear for their Mileage Program is a heartwarming ode to the concept of eternal longing. The points stack up beautifully - much like a Greek tragedy, filled with hope and desolation. Alas, they are the equivalent of unicorn tears or banshee wails. The more you yearn to encounter them, the more elusive they become. Existential, isn't it?

And what would a piece on 'flights to nowhere' be without mention of baggage allowance? Now here's a policy right out of Wonderland: the more you pay, the less you may carry. Reverse psychology at its finest. The grande finale: the cancellation policy. Couched in the tender warmth of legalese, it leaves the realm of general understanding faster than the plane departing without you.

Ah, Alaska, home to more than 50% of the world's glaciers; it seems the chilliness resonates with the airline’s unfailing commitment to warmed-over meals and lukewarm cabin service. This is how Alaska Airlines masterfully transforms the mundane in-flight services into something that truly invokes reverence, and of course, peptic antacids.

And should you ever desire the rollercoaster ride of direct flights from Des Moines to Phoenix, brace yourself for the tests and trials of a modern Odysseus. You shall contend with ever-changing flight durations, mysterious 'airplane roulette' layovers, the paradox of non-stop travelling while intermittently landing, and the Sisyphean attempt to locate cheap flights that remain inexpensive upon check-out. Hang tight and remember; this epic odyssey through the sky is merely preparation for the challenge that lies ahead - traversing the airport to retrieve your baggage.

Through all the ordeals and trials of flying Alaska, there's a silver lining, quite literally. For no matter how immersive the experience of airborne purgatory may be - one glance out of the cabin window onto the infinite blanket of stars under the obsidian Alaska sky - makes it all worth it. Almost.